Lalaine's CORNER

by **~0Range-1SL0ve~** Thu Dec 10 2009, 22:06

Hey Guys

...I wanted to post this topic because some of my ideas are incubating in my head for quite too long. So basically I want to sort it out or express it Surprised

. This topic is also for you! You can post your poems, musings, autobiographical reflections, quotations, aphorisms and your contemplations (If you want you can share to me some of your secrets Razz

) Have fun!

POEM #1
<No Title please suggest..Thank You>
If she shall accept again,
accept the heart with a thousand death.
Thorn-filled heart in an unwanted snow,
she wishes endless fire burning in one blow.

Resembling Romeo throwing pebbles in the maiden's window,
like a sleeping sea who didn't bother and left the meadow.
(Sorry I forgot some of the lines Sad

)
But her heart speaks with false words, can't accept the truth.

POEM #2
What is this life for?
Waking up as I breath the queer summer air,
looking around with big eyes of an owl with a glare.
Letting my soul sing to the Lord,
as I wonder what is this life for?

What is this life for?
This life which is too sudden and simultaneous.
What is this life for?
Searching my real purpose, quiet spontaneous.

Continued for the search to find the truth yet the answer,
I would die with one wish,
to accomplish the task, a simple and pure bliss.

by **Beejay1231** Fri Dec 11 2009, 00:19

Here's my critique:

I like Poem 2 better than Poem 1. For Poem 2, you only need to work on the spelling of 'kwayt'. It's spelled as quite, not quiet (Ignore this if you meant it to sound like 'kwayet'). For Poem 1, the Romeo phrase distrubed me quite a bit. I haven't read Romeo and Juliet yet but I'm not really sure about Romeo throwing pebbles at the maiden's window.

A comma should be added after the word Romeo or just write it as Resembling Romeo, he or I (if 1st peson) threw pebbles at the maiden's window. At or on must be used, not in since in speaks of inside while on means contact and at means the location.

But overall, a good job. I especially liked the lesson in Poem no. 2. Continue your writing!