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Eternal World

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Eternal World Empty Eternal World

Post by Katt on Fri Aug 20 2010, 03:39

(This is a bit old...okay really old but I liked it when I wrote it. Anyway, I was just thinking that maybe I should revamp it but I wanted a second opinion on if I should or not. Can you tell me if you think it'd make a good revamp in the critique? If you can't it's fine. Just curious. And sorry if it's a little long.)

Eternal World

Chapter 1: The Journey

Dark clouds veil the midday sky. Rain falls on the cold stone path leading to Chero Village. A young girl trying to escape something is running through the puddles. Something eerie is following her. “How do I always get myself into these messes?!” The girl yells. Then she slips on the wet stone surface. She falls hard on the stone path. The monster catches up with her and lifts its arm. Protruding from its hands were five, knife-like, claws.

The girl turns herself over holding her ankle and sees the horrifying creature. Unable to reach her staff, she braces herself for the worst. She closes her eyes and clenches her teeth. Nothing happens. She opens one eye and looks up. The beast is bound by a metal chain. “What’s a cute little lady like yourself doing out at this hour? Don’t you know that Night is when the freaks come out?” Asks a mysterious young man.

The girl sees her staff on the ground but she can't reach it due to her sprained ankle. "Need some help?" Asked the young man as he bent to pick up the staff. The staff floated from the ground and to the girl's hand. "Nice, So what's your name?"

"It's Macy. Thank you for your help. I must be going now", said the girl.

“And just where are you going with a sprained ankle? Here let me..."

"No I got it", the girl said as she closed her eyes and help her staff close. A green aura surrounded her and centered on her ankle before disappearing. Then she stood up and smiled.

The wind blew and the rain stopped. The water blowing from Macy’s hair glittered as she ran toward town. She stopped and turned around. “I almost forgot to ask your name”, she said.

“Oh yeah, it’s Jonathan. Nice to meet you”, he responded, shaking Macy’s hand.

Macy giggled and ran off again. As she ran through the woods, on the way to town, her mood changed. She became worried and anxious. She began to run faster. She made it home and broke the door down. Her father lay on the floor in cold blood, her mother being held up by the neck. “Mother!” Macy cried, extending her hand to help.

The fiend holding Macy’s mother stepped out of the shadows. He was the ruler of The Dark, a fiend known as Gorigon. “Macy, get away from here. You have to live. You can…” Then Gorigon snapped the woman’s neck like a twig.

“If I were you, mortal, I’d do as instructed”, said the fiend as he approached the girl. Macy turned and ran. Tears fell from her face. “Oh, so unwise”, Gorigon said as he walked back into the shadows of the death filled house.

“Please, just leave me alone!” Macy yelled as she ran.

The soulless Dark leaped from the shadows and attacked Macy from all directions. She holds her staff ready to defend herself. The vicious creatures attack her. She closes her eyes and gets ready for the worst once more. She's immediately tackled and pinned down. The monsters mercilessly claw at her and hit her. Just as she was about to reach her limit she felt the burdens being lifted. She opened her eyes to see all the beasts on the ground lying dead. One was lying at the foot of the same young man from before, holding a sword, dripping with black liquid. Jonathan grinned. “Just how many times am I going to have to save you”, he said?

Macy barely opened her eyes. She got up on her feet and picked up her staff. She held her staff up and the same green aura from before coated her in its healing power. She emerged from the light looking like nothing had ever happened.

Gorigon appeared before the two in a pitch black smoke. “You are indeed valuable. I suppose killing you would be a waste”, he said. Then two Dark spawns rose from the black mist.

Jonathan gets directly in front of Macy and pulled out his sword. “Leave the girl alone”, he said in a heroic fashion. The two fiends grabbed the sword and pried it from his hands. They swatted him away as if he were a bug. Then they grabbed Macy and kept her from moving. A dark aura surrounded Macy as she let out a blood curdling scream.

“How fitting that humanity’s last hope will be its downfall”, Gorigon sneered. Jonathan struggled to his feet. Then he picked up his sword. “Mortals never know when to surrender.” Jonathan threw his sword perfectly, slashing through the arms holding Macy in place. Macy dropped to the ground out cold.

“The girl is off limits”, Jonathan said breathing heavily.

“Disappointing… you have only delayed the inevitable. The border will break, the war will once again emerge”, Gorigon said forcefully as he disappeared.

Macy woke up by a fire. She panicked and looked around. “Wha?! W-where am I, what happened?!”

“Relax, you’re fine”, Jonathan said. He had these contraptions set up all over the campsite. Things moved and pulled.

“Wait a minute…You’re a modernizer?! W-when were you going to tell me this?! I showed you my magic and everything! To think I might’ve… never mind”, Macy said.

Jonathan looked over to Macy. “You should rest up. That right eye of yours isn’t looking so good.”

“M-my eye?” Macy looked around for her staff. Jonathan picked up a mirror and tossed it to her. She glared at him then looked at her eye in the mirror. One eye was its normal blue color but the other was a cold gray
color. “How’d this happen?”

“They tried corrupting you. I messed them up. You feeling alright?” Jonathan asked.

“What do you care?”

“Macy this is stupid. I already know you hate the world separation. You hate the war, you hate this whole thing. Why be angry with me? I didn’t start the war and I hate it as much as you do”, Jonathan said. Macy lowered her head and looked away forcing back tears. Jonathan rgave a sigh and walked over to her then sat down and gazed into the fire.. “I’m sorry about your parents”, he said. Macy stopped holding back her tears and let it all out.

“I…I wasn’t fast enough”, Macy said trying to pull herself together.

Jonathan sat and looked up at the stars, the moon half full. He sighed and said “Macy, Gorigon is after you for a reason, obviously. Do you know why?”

Macy collected herself then backed up. “It’s because I’m…the daughter of this town’s mayor. Here on the western side of the border every town has a mayor. The four towns with the magic shrines are the major towns. The mayor of each major town has a daughter. Those daughters are…”

“Shrine maidens, right? Heard that in a story when I was a kid. Well, what does that have to do with anything”, Jonathan asked?

Macy opened the pouch on her belt and pulled out a flute. “It’s called The Dream Recorder. It draws magic from all four shrines. Then it can be used to perform some of the most powerful magic known”, she explained.

Jonathan thought for a moment. “How about we go on a little adventure? We should try and find all the shrines and use the Dream Recorder to finish this once and for all”, Jonathan suggested.

Macy shook her head. “To do that we’d need to get the shrine maidens of each particular shrine to play the Recorder for their own respective shrines. And thanks to recent events I doubt that they’d be anywhere near their shrines let alone their towns”, Macy argued.

“Well it’s better than sitting around and letting the whole world get dragged down to Heck.”

“Mm…let’s do this”, Macy said cracking a smile.

Jonathan started taking everything around the campsite apart and put it in his bag. “Alright we’ll head out tomorrow.” Jonathan sat down with his back against a tree. Macy sat next to him and looked up at the stars.

She began to sing. “Be careful little eyes what you see, be careful little eyes what you see, for it's the second glane that ties your hands as darkness pulls the strings.” She looked at Jonathan sleeping peacefully. She smiled then laid down and went to sleep.

The two awoke the next morning. Macy got up and stretched a bit. Then she picked up her staff. “I’ll try and find the first maiden”, she said. She closed her eyes and focused. Wind blew around her. Her hair and dress flowed. “Oh brilliance, reveal the locations of those sworn to serve you.”

The grass waved over the hill, the trees blew, and flower petals blew around. Then Macy held her staff up and a beam of light shot over the distance. “We must first go to…Grabahan. It’s a minor village on the way to the first shrine. But I don’t know a fast enough way to get there”, Macy said.

Jonathan smiled then laughed at Macy. “Don’t worry, that’s where I got us covered”, he said. He whistled and a horse came through the woods to him. “Saddle up and let’s ride.”

Jonathan and Macy got on and rode off down the path to Grabahan. “At this pace we’ll get there before lunch”, Macy said giggling.

“Well we’ll have to stop for some food in Cheeko Town”, Jonathan said.

“Oh, well maybe by dinner?”

“Possibly, it all depends.”

The two come up in Cheeko Town just a little before Lunch. “Alright, Macy, I’ve been here before. I have to go tend to some things. Feel free to roam around”, Jonathan said.

Macy and Jonathan split up for a bit. Macy walked around town and found a nice little shop. She walked inside and looked around for a bit. She bumped into a girl not much younger than herself. “Oh, I’m sorry”, Macy said.

“Think nothing of it. I should’ve been watching where I was going”, said the girl.

“Well sorry anyway. My name’s Macy.”

“Lorie, nice to meet you”, replied the girl.

Lorie smiled and shook Macy’s hand. “Wait what’s wrong with your eye”, she asked?

“Well it’s a long story! Um…” Macy struggled to think of an excuse but nothing came to mind.

“Aha! I knew it! You’re a shrine maiden”, Lorie exclaimed! Macy stepped back in shock then covered Lorie’s mouth.

“Don’t say that too loud. How’d you know anyway”, Macy asked?

Lorie grinned then giggled and said “Actually, I didn’t. I was just fishing and it looks like I caught a sucker.”

Macy sighed. She walked outside with Lorie and looked around. “Where is he? It’s midday already. I’m starving”, Macy complained. Jonathan came around on his horse and demounted.

“Hey, who’s your friend”, he asked?

“A leech”, Macy said under her breath. Jonathan tied off his horse and sat down at a table. He called for the waitress. Macy and Lorie sat down and looked through the menu. “I guess I’ll just have a sandwich and some tea.”

“I thought you were starving”, Jonathan said.

Macy got her order quickly and nibbled it a bit. “Yeah but it’s not like we actually have the money to pay for a big meal”, Macy argued.

Lorie stared at Macy and Jonathan for a bit in a total fan-girl state. “Wow Macy, I still can’t believe you’re…wow.” The three settled and had a nice conversation about past adventures over their meal.

Macy grew silent for a time. She began to think. Violent images filled her head. Her eyes began to water. Then she hung her head and started crying. Her tears rolled down her face rapidly. Jonathan looked away and though about something, himself.. “M-my…my parents…G-Gorigon killed them. It’s because of the war. The war b-brought the Dark here. Why can’t it all just go away”, Macy cried catching her breath between words.

Jonathan comforted her. She just continued to cry. Lorie pulled the necklace off and put it in Macy’s hand. “It’s a shrine gem. I was never good enough with magic to get it to work. It gives the current locations of shrine maidens”, she said.

After a few minutes to pull herself together, Macy stood up from the table and put down some money. “Come on, we’re going to set things right. Lorie can you help us? Your knowledge of magic is vastly superior to ours. It’d be useful”, she said.

“I’d be glad to help. I...I don't have any family anyway so no one would miss me”, Lorie replied.

Jonathan got up from the table and untied his horse. Then Jonathan and Macy jumped on but Lorie just stared at them. “What’s wrong Lorie”, Macy asked?

“It’s noting…but it doesn’t really look like there’s any room left up there for me. I mean there’s you, Jonathan and that big bag tied to the saddle”, Lorie replied.

Jonathan and Macy looked at each other. “Well what can we do about that”, Jonathan asked? The next thing the trio knows the horse is pulling a wagon. Macy and Lorie ride in back while Jonathan steers.

“It’s getting dark out, girls. We either need to speed up or just camp out here for the night”, Jonathan said. He came to a stop and got back in the wagon. He sat in the corner on the opposite side from the girls.

In the middle of the night Macy woke up. She looked around and saw Jonathan shivering. She gave him her blanket then sat next to him. She watched him sleep for a bit then sneaked over to his side and sat against wall where she fell asleep.

The next morning Jonathan awoke to find that Macy had migrated over to his side and fallen over on him in their sleep. She woke up moments later. She got up and stretched as usual. Then she turned around and smiled. “Morning”, she said!

“You seem happy. What’s the occasion?” Jonathan asked.

“No occasion, just a morning person. I take it you aren’t. That’s alright. You got enough food yesterday to get us through the next decade”, Macy said optimistically.

Jonathan looked around. “Hey where’s Lorie?” Macy giggled and pointed outside. Lorie was sitting by the river. “Alright, here’s the plan. We continue to town after breakfast.”

Macy gigged and went outside to start cooking. After the meal, the trio continued their trek and came into Grabahan. “I never imagined this place would be so big”, Macy said. The necklace Lorie gave her began to glow. It floated and pointed in one direction. “Smart jewel.”

The gem led them to a small library. It brought them to a young girl with short green hair and glasses. She was a little older than Macy. “May I help you”, she said timidly?

“A-are you Madelyn Hail”, Macy asked?

The girl panicked and started to back away. “I’m sorry, I can’t help you”, she said. She turned around and tried to run but she ran into a tall figure in a midnight black cloak. “W-who are you?”

“Dang it, it’s Gorigon! Quick, get out of here! We’ll hold him off”, Macy yelled holding her staff offensively. Jonathan pulled out his sword and stood by Macy.

Gorigon took one step forward. He pulled out a massive blade. “If you wish yourself dead then, by all means, resist us”, he said menacingly.

Macy looked at Jonathan and nodded. Jonathan ran directly behind Gorigon and quickly slashed at the backs of his knees. But his blade met Gorigan’s sword. Macy held her staff sideways as her hair blew in the magical winds. “Jonathan”, she yelled!

Jonathan looked to Macy. Macy shot a lightning bolt from her staff and at Jonathan. Jonathan held his sword up. The sword absorbed the lightning then Jonathan slashed at Gorigon. The slash created a shockwave that struck him down. Macy, Lorie, and Jonathan stood around him. “You think you’ve won, mortals? You are wrong. The Dark will reign”, Gorigon said.

“Not as long as we still breathe”, Macy said.

“You might cease breathing sooner than you think, dear child”, Gorigon said as he disappeared into a black mist.

A piercing scream was heard from outside. Everyone ran outside but it seemed normal. Macy stopped at the door. “Wait”, she yelled! Her scarred eye saw through the walls of buildings at the Dark aura’s approaching. One was slowly crawling on the roof. Another was coming around the corner. “Look out!”

The Dark creatures sprung out and attacked. Jonathan was pinned down and Lorie was too stunned to do anything. A creature was running for Madelyn but Macy tackled her before it got there. “Madelyn, stay down. They’re after you and me because we’re the only ones who can stop it”, Macy said.

Madelyn realized the reality of the situation. She stood up and removed her glasses. She took off her dress revealing a much sleeker dress designed for wind resistance. “I-I understand. No more hiding”, she said. She pulled out two folding fans. They each had sharp metal razors for blades. Macy watched in astonishment as Madelyn’s whole persona changed from a shy bookworm to a warrior.

“Madelyn?”, Macy said to herself.

Madelyn popped her fans. “Macy, these creatures want us, correct? Then let’s show them just how much they’d have to handle”, she said. Macy nodded. The two girls stood side by side. Madelyn preformed a ballet dance as Macy preformed her own form of dance. The two dances looked incredible together. Macy’s half summoned up a great flame that raged rapidly. Madelyn’s brought on the power of the wind. The two elements merged into one, creating a magnificent marvel of magic, the great firebird, The Phoenix. With but a fan, Madelyn sent the dreaded bird forward to eradicate The Dark.

Jonathan got up and dusted himself off. “Well, that was special”, he said picking up his sword.
Macy walked up to Madelyn and held out her hand. Madelyn shook and smiled. “So, I take it you’re a shrine maiden like me”, she said.

“Yes, if you would, we need you to show us your shrine”, Macy said.
Madelyn smiled and nodded. “I’d like nothing more than to help you on your quest. My shrine is in the woods just south of my hometown. My hometown is actually the next town over as well so it shouldn’t take long to get there”, Madelyn said.

Jonathan put his sword away and walked up to the girls. “I guess we should be going”, he said. The girls nodded. Then the group headed for the town entrance and got into the wagon. Then they rode off into the sun.
Junior Poster
Junior Poster

Eternal World 66i455
User Title : The Cat-Girl!
Posts : 52
Money : 3471
Join date : 2010-08-19
Age : 24
Location : The Milky Way Galaxy
Character : Misty

Character sheet
Eternal World Left_bar_bleue1/1Eternal World Empty_bar_bleue  (1/1)
Eternal World Left_bar_bleue100/100Eternal World Empty_bar_bleue  (100/100)
Eternal World Left_bar_bleue1/1Eternal World Empty_bar_bleue  (1/1)

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